Dear Mom,

I miss you.

And I think a reason that I am so annoyed by T's parents these days is because I am jealous that he still has parents and I don't.

K, however, would probably get on my nerves no matter what but if you were still here at least I could talk to you about it and get it out of my system. Without you it is just me dealing with her and that is difficult for me because I want "my" mom to be able to be here for this new baby.

You were such a good listener and so willing to visit us all of the time and not afraid to play with J or just sit around. I miss your strength and confidence when it came to dealing with kids. Because I knew you enjoyed being with my kid.

I just miss you.

Love,

Nicole

Dear Mom,

I met with the doula today... the same girl who was with us in the delivery room when J was born.

We talked briefly (J was home and needing a nap and interrupting us every 5-10minutes) about the birth and I told her that my only apprehension was that J's birth was so "easy" that I was worried that this one might not be the same. I told her that I cannot really remember all of it and so I am preoccupied with the idea that it might be more difficult because it is different.

Really, I think I am so surprised at my good fortune in life that I figure, "It cannot be this good can it?"

And this I think is my fatal flaw; feeling like I do not deserve all of the "good" that does come my way. Feeling guilty about it when things work out for the best. Making myself worry just because I cannot quite fathom that it is okay if good things happen.

The doula also mentioned that she wanted to discuss your death because some intense feelings might surface during the birth. Hmmm, this struck me as odd. I do not really connect this baby's debut with your death. I do not link them like some people have in the past. My pregnancy and your death, although overlapping in time, have become so separate to me that I had never even thought to consider that the birth might be affected by the death.

And here is where I will finally allow myself to let go of the worry. When she mentioned this it occurred to me that I "should" be concerned about this. Shouldn't I? Maybe I don't really know myself that well after all. Maybe I'm going to break down during the birth and loose my shit. Well... maybe. Except after thinking it over I have come to realize that this is my default defense mechanism... worry just to hedge my bets... and it has not worked well for me in the past and it won't do me any good now so... forget it.

I am going to prepare myself for the birth of this kiddo by being open minded and aware that everything will most likely be fine. And that that is perfectly acceptable. Because I can handle the difficulties that life presents as well as the pleasantries. Both are necessary and both can throw a person for a loop and I, in particular, am built to handle this. My challenge in the past has been to believe in my ability but now, I am ready and willing to accept my strengths as well as my weaknesses.

I can do this. And I can weather it no matter what the outcome. Even if it is great.

I get this from you, mom.

Love,

Nicole

Dear Mom,

Looking at photos of you makes me sad. 

Especially if you are smiling your great smile... or the image is one of you with J.

It makes me sad but I don't mind. Because I still love you even though you are gone. And I never want to forget you.

I only hope that, with time, being sad fades away and fond memory retrieval takes it's place.

Love,

Nicole

Dear Mom,

I have been worrying about money all day ever since this 7:30 this morning. It's now 4:47pm.

Taxes, tuition, rent, your taxes, hospital bills, the cost of childbirth, the cost of another child, the economy... I am spent. 

I am concerned about the trust and distributing the money. The entire process has been terribly stressful and overwhelming. But I am glad it is almost over.

Love,

Nic

Dear Mom,

The house is sold.

The baby is due in May... We have chosen a name that I love.

Not having much freedom is still difficult for me.

Not talking to B is a relief. But I am still coming to terms with who he really is instead of who I expect him to be. Which doesn't really matter.

I am worried about a few things but mostly I am happy.

We are planning on renting a house on the East Coast in July. I am hoping that I can find a way to like K again.

That's it, mom.

I love you and miss you,

Nicole