Dear Mom,

I miss being able to call you.

Love,

Nicole

Dear Mom,

I love the movie Pride & Prejudice... with Kiera Knightly (what a perfect last name if one chooses to star in a "Jane Austen" movie)

When I watch this movie I always think about how much I would love to watch it with you. Tonight the thought made me so sad that I cried... I have been missing you so much lately that I have been doing a lot of that. Crying. I want so badly to share my happiness with you... my new daughter... J's development... vacations... thoughts... hugs... time. 

I will always miss you. 

This is difficult to get used to. I will never completely be used to your absence. I am re-learning myself without you in the world to help define me. This is both difficult and confusing but not impossible. 

It feels like I am becoming myself all over again...

Love,

Nicole

Dear Mom,

I am missing what I cannot have. And that is time alone with J that is not punctuated by intermittent newborn crying... time to myself... outside... walking at my own pace... sleep & showers when I want them instead of on the fly.

I am also profoundly bored... and finding it difficult to type with one hand while M sleeps on my other arm.

Sigh.

I will give myself a year to feel bedraggled... I will even accept the following feelings during the next year because I want to give myself a lot of leeway to acclimate: depression, elation, frustration, anxiety, exhaustion, happiness, sorrow, ennui, satisfaction, peace, and anything else that this new dynamic presents.

And i miss you, Mom. I keep wishing you were here and thinking how nice it would be... how comforting. I think I need to move beyond wishing... and accept what is now instead of want what was. Because right now is also good.

Love,

Nic

Dear Mom,

Why do I fear the tragedies of others? 

Most people don't feel this way, do they?

I wonder why I keep myself so on edge sometimes...

Love,

Nicole

Dear Mom,

How does a mother have a second child and still have enough love?

I have been anxious about this birth... even though I am so excited for our second little kiddo to arrive... and I haven't really been able to figure out why?

Physically, I know I am built for this... I can do this... I have done it... I am willing.

Emotionally, I realize now that I am scared. What about how much I love my first born? How will I perpetuate such a special relationship... one that means so much to me and reinforces so much joy in my life? How can I be the same kind of mother to my second child when my attention will be split?

I suppose I don't really know. Sometimes a lack of knowledge scares me... Like when I used to consider your future and how that future intersected my own. Not knowing, when it comes to something so important to me, is daunting... because I want to do well. I want to succeed.

My fear is rooted in the idea of failure.

However, I didn't know how I would do as a mother at all when J was born... I just did it... and he is wonderful... and I love him.

I can do this.

I miss you mom. This would have made for a terrific conversation between us. 

Love,

nic

Dear Mom,

I miss you.

And I think a reason that I am so annoyed by T's parents these days is because I am jealous that he still has parents and I don't.

K, however, would probably get on my nerves no matter what but if you were still here at least I could talk to you about it and get it out of my system. Without you it is just me dealing with her and that is difficult for me because I want "my" mom to be able to be here for this new baby.

You were such a good listener and so willing to visit us all of the time and not afraid to play with J or just sit around. I miss your strength and confidence when it came to dealing with kids. Because I knew you enjoyed being with my kid.

I just miss you.

Love,

Nicole

Dear Mom,

I met with the doula today... the same girl who was with us in the delivery room when J was born.

We talked briefly (J was home and needing a nap and interrupting us every 5-10minutes) about the birth and I told her that my only apprehension was that J's birth was so "easy" that I was worried that this one might not be the same. I told her that I cannot really remember all of it and so I am preoccupied with the idea that it might be more difficult because it is different.

Really, I think I am so surprised at my good fortune in life that I figure, "It cannot be this good can it?"

And this I think is my fatal flaw; feeling like I do not deserve all of the "good" that does come my way. Feeling guilty about it when things work out for the best. Making myself worry just because I cannot quite fathom that it is okay if good things happen.

The doula also mentioned that she wanted to discuss your death because some intense feelings might surface during the birth. Hmmm, this struck me as odd. I do not really connect this baby's debut with your death. I do not link them like some people have in the past. My pregnancy and your death, although overlapping in time, have become so separate to me that I had never even thought to consider that the birth might be affected by the death.

And here is where I will finally allow myself to let go of the worry. When she mentioned this it occurred to me that I "should" be concerned about this. Shouldn't I? Maybe I don't really know myself that well after all. Maybe I'm going to break down during the birth and loose my shit. Well... maybe. Except after thinking it over I have come to realize that this is my default defense mechanism... worry just to hedge my bets... and it has not worked well for me in the past and it won't do me any good now so... forget it.

I am going to prepare myself for the birth of this kiddo by being open minded and aware that everything will most likely be fine. And that that is perfectly acceptable. Because I can handle the difficulties that life presents as well as the pleasantries. Both are necessary and both can throw a person for a loop and I, in particular, am built to handle this. My challenge in the past has been to believe in my ability but now, I am ready and willing to accept my strengths as well as my weaknesses.

I can do this. And I can weather it no matter what the outcome. Even if it is great.

I get this from you, mom.

Love,

Nicole