Good Things vs Bad

1. My mother is home from the hospital... for two weeks! Hooray. 

But her blood counts are rising slowly instead of rapidly which could be a cause for concern... however, I am not ready to be concerned.

2. I feel as though I should be worried about the plummeting stock market but I have felt that it would fall for so long that I am nothing more than informed now that it has happened. Things balance themselves out, don't they? Especially when greed and stock markets are concerned. I remember the 80's.

3. We are pregnant and I am elated... and also preoccupied with the fact that this is something that I wanted and now here it is and, hmmm, isn't something terrible supposed to happen now? What is the genesis of that sensibility?

When I became pregnant before it was not the ideal moment in time: I was unemployed, I was depressed about my unemployment, I was living with my boyfriend and concerned that my lack of job would jeopardize our relationship. But the moment I found out I resigned myself to accept the ride ahead of me and approach it without fear.

Today, I considered that this might not be the ideal moment in world or family history to have another child. But maybe it is. Just like before, I intend to accept the road ahead of me and will approach it without fear because these seem to be the only actions that I can actually take... and I like to stay busy.

Tunnel Vision

My mom is not in remission... well there is not clear evidence that she is in remission., yet... but she has been in the hospital since August enduring everything that can be done to get her there. 

And my cousin called tonight to talk to me about it... which I really do not do that often... because discussing my mom is so complicated for me. Thankfully, talking to my cousin allowed me to reach out and respond and admit that I don't know how to feel about my mom right now... and, in the past, that sort of uncertainty has made me so uncomfortable that even my own skin seemed unfamiliar.

I have spent most of this year thinking and thinking and thinking about my mom... and mortality... and loss... and regret... and how I will feel about something that is happening but that hasn't even happened yet. It has driven me to extreme distraction. But I have come away with something that, for me, is the hardest thing to accept but also the most liberating: I cannot do anything about my mother's health.

And so I do not really bring it up. 

But somehow I have come to feel comfortable living day to day without planning ahead... 

I Had A Bad Day, What A Day I Have Had

Because I could not share the details of my day with any one who I actually know who might have actually cared how much it sucked... I told another mother... a stranger... in the park... while our kids attempted to "share" a plastic ark with wheels. 

She probably wished that I would shut the fuck up, already. But I felt slightly better. Sorry lady. I'll get you next time.

That is the kind of person I am: someone who needs to "talk about it."

So sue me.