Tunnel Vision

My mom is not in remission... well there is not clear evidence that she is in remission., yet... but she has been in the hospital since August enduring everything that can be done to get her there. 

And my cousin called tonight to talk to me about it... which I really do not do that often... because discussing my mom is so complicated for me. Thankfully, talking to my cousin allowed me to reach out and respond and admit that I don't know how to feel about my mom right now... and, in the past, that sort of uncertainty has made me so uncomfortable that even my own skin seemed unfamiliar.

I have spent most of this year thinking and thinking and thinking about my mom... and mortality... and loss... and regret... and how I will feel about something that is happening but that hasn't even happened yet. It has driven me to extreme distraction. But I have come away with something that, for me, is the hardest thing to accept but also the most liberating: I cannot do anything about my mother's health.

And so I do not really bring it up. 

But somehow I have come to feel comfortable living day to day without planning ahead...