Dear Mom,

I love the movie Pride & Prejudice... with Kiera Knightly (what a perfect last name if one chooses to star in a "Jane Austen" movie)

When I watch this movie I always think about how much I would love to watch it with you. Tonight the thought made me so sad that I cried... I have been missing you so much lately that I have been doing a lot of that. Crying. I want so badly to share my happiness with you... my new daughter... J's development... vacations... thoughts... hugs... time. 

I will always miss you. 

This is difficult to get used to. I will never completely be used to your absence. I am re-learning myself without you in the world to help define me. This is both difficult and confusing but not impossible. 

It feels like I am becoming myself all over again...

Love,

Nicole

Dear Mom,

I am missing what I cannot have. And that is time alone with J that is not punctuated by intermittent newborn crying... time to myself... outside... walking at my own pace... sleep & showers when I want them instead of on the fly.

I am also profoundly bored... and finding it difficult to type with one hand while M sleeps on my other arm.

Sigh.

I will give myself a year to feel bedraggled... I will even accept the following feelings during the next year because I want to give myself a lot of leeway to acclimate: depression, elation, frustration, anxiety, exhaustion, happiness, sorrow, ennui, satisfaction, peace, and anything else that this new dynamic presents.

And i miss you, Mom. I keep wishing you were here and thinking how nice it would be... how comforting. I think I need to move beyond wishing... and accept what is now instead of want what was. Because right now is also good.

Love,

Nic