Dear Mom,

I have been worrying about money all day ever since this 7:30 this morning. It's now 4:47pm.

Taxes, tuition, rent, your taxes, hospital bills, the cost of childbirth, the cost of another child, the economy... I am spent. 

I am concerned about the trust and distributing the money. The entire process has been terribly stressful and overwhelming. But I am glad it is almost over.

Love,

Nic

Dear Mom,

The house is sold.

The baby is due in May... We have chosen a name that I love.

Not having much freedom is still difficult for me.

Not talking to B is a relief. But I am still coming to terms with who he really is instead of who I expect him to be. Which doesn't really matter.

I am worried about a few things but mostly I am happy.

We are planning on renting a house on the East Coast in July. I am hoping that I can find a way to like K again.

That's it, mom.

I love you and miss you,

Nicole

Pre

Tim's advice to me today:

"You shouldn't paint. It takes to much prep time. You should draw instead. You know..." (gestures like he's drawing)

I have recently moved two of my "in progress" paintings into the kitchen from the garage. 

This is the kind of support that Tim is capable of. Which is depressing. But probably essential for me to accept... and ignore.

Middle Ground

When all is said and done... or even before anything is actually ever completed... I know that things will be fine. 

I am certain of this.

Where does this optimism come from?

Down

My mind is completely preoccupied with the sale of the house... and the length of time that it's taking. And this leads me to worry about money to the point of blindness to everything else.

While my wonderful son does yet another headstand to left of me I realize that my worry is doing me no good. 

I am so overwhelmed with something that has not even happened yet that I am forgetting to be grateful for what is unfolding in front of me: my kiddo is a monkey who loves to stand on his head while watching Treasure Quest. 

I am fortunate. And ready to let the other stuff go.

Up

How can a person be anxious and calm at the same time?

Again, I am up before dawn. Not really worrying but definitely thinking with purpose... sort of, because I am actually also tired as well.

There is so much to contemplate; baby, mom, death, onesies, J, career, painting (how I actually love painting), time alone... time... the "right thing to do." Since I do not have much time to myself during the day I guess my body and mind have conspired to make some time for active consideration.

It's not so bad, really. But I'd like to be less tired while I'm thinking and more productive... probably the root of all my anxiety when it comes down to it.

Sigh... and yawn.

Dear Mom,

I feel caught up in this bullshit with Heather.

Why in the world did she have to send that email to me?

And what the fuck is she thinking now?

I know what I'm about to write is childish but, fuck it, I wish things would go back to normal.

Also, I am not really looking forward to cleaning out the house. And this low grade fear of flying has sucked the fun out of travelling for me almost entirely. I cannot wait until it passes... which I know it will. 

Today is a day that I wish you were here visiting us. I could really use some of your company on this rainy day.

Love,

Nicole