Dear Mom,

My birthday has come and gone AND New Year's Eve has almost come and gone. Also, Tim's mom and her husband came to celebrate Christmas... and they are also almost gone.

This was not my favorite year. And this holiday season was definitely not my favorite. Having guests for a week when I would rather not was supremely challenging. I have to admit that I failed at being friendly and charming at most junctures. But I just didn't have it in me.

I don't think it is possible for Tim to understand how sad I am. He is not that way. And he seems so fragile himself that most things upset him in one way or another... So, I feel alone with this sadness most of the time.

My pregnancy is going well. But I am tired. However, I cannot tell if I should attribute this more to the fact that I have not made time for daily walks (which I know would lift my spirits and heart) or that I have less time to myself because this time around J is here.

Parenting has me stumped. J's buddy, whom he LOVES to play with, has inspired some behavior that is less than favorable. Well, I'm not really sure if the friend is the inspiration or just the ignition point. I have the sense that a lot of what is going on is normal but I feel as though J might need a situation where he excels on his own... without this other kiddo around to steal his thunder. And some of it also, I fear, is me. I do not know how to instill/foster the confidence in J that I think would help him to use his imagination more and encourage him to make friends without hesitation. I know that there is something that I could do but the responsibility is oppressive right now while I am struggling with this grief.

(sigh)

I love you mom. I really miss you.

Love,

Nicole

Dear Mom,

It's Christmas. And I'm missing you. And feeling generally unexcited... and wishing that today would end. Which it will... so I have that going for me.

I love you.

Nicole

Dear Mom,

This morning Tim took Jackson to school. 

So, far I have signed and dated and placed in an envelope ready-to-mail the listing agreement for the house AND called the tax guy with my social and address so we can get a tax ID for the trust.

I hate doing this stuff. It makes me sad.

Also, this morning, I have been thinking about Christmas. Do you remember that top I made to wear with those Christmas plaid pants that I LOVED? And that buffalo plaid full circle skirt that I should have worn with a cute top to show off the nipped waistline but instead wore with a slouchy red sweater because it was 1984 and I was all about slouchy. I guess I have never really given up on the slouchy look, did I? 

I used to sit in the middle of the living room floor with my sewing machine and sew while I watched TV. Sitting on the floor is still my preferred position while making things but I can get a little uncomfortable these days with my baby belly. I suppose I should be more aware of sitting up straight as well but I just feel so comfortable sitting on the floor with all of my stuff spread out around me.

Sewing is also something I miss. Designing my own "patterns" and making such oddly unflattering clothing was so fun for me. I think, though, that my tendency toward geometric forms might have suited a less angular girl than myself but I still liked everything I made.

I have been thinking about you a lot... but not crying as much. Which is good and bad, I guess. Crying is such the full face pass-time and leaves me with such red eyes but I feel sort of better afterward. I think. Actually, I'm not sure how to name what I feel after crying but I don't consider it wholly negative. 

I miss you, mom. It's so easy to imagine you sitting in the blue velvet chair right now... with your cozy sweater on... and your two hats because it is so cold here... reading your Palm or talking to J... it's so easy to remember you and that's better than crying... but sometimes a lot more painful.

Love,

Nicole