Dear Mom,

My birthday has come and gone AND New Year's Eve has almost come and gone. Also, Tim's mom and her husband came to celebrate Christmas... and they are also almost gone.

This was not my favorite year. And this holiday season was definitely not my favorite. Having guests for a week when I would rather not was supremely challenging. I have to admit that I failed at being friendly and charming at most junctures. But I just didn't have it in me.

I don't think it is possible for Tim to understand how sad I am. He is not that way. And he seems so fragile himself that most things upset him in one way or another... So, I feel alone with this sadness most of the time.

My pregnancy is going well. But I am tired. However, I cannot tell if I should attribute this more to the fact that I have not made time for daily walks (which I know would lift my spirits and heart) or that I have less time to myself because this time around J is here.

Parenting has me stumped. J's buddy, whom he LOVES to play with, has inspired some behavior that is less than favorable. Well, I'm not really sure if the friend is the inspiration or just the ignition point. I have the sense that a lot of what is going on is normal but I feel as though J might need a situation where he excels on his own... without this other kiddo around to steal his thunder. And some of it also, I fear, is me. I do not know how to instill/foster the confidence in J that I think would help him to use his imagination more and encourage him to make friends without hesitation. I know that there is something that I could do but the responsibility is oppressive right now while I am struggling with this grief.

(sigh)

I love you mom. I really miss you.

Love,

Nicole