Dear Mom,

Do you remember how hard the beginning of last year was for me? I was so unsettled and unsure.

It was confusing for me to be so unmoored. I spent so much time trying to figure out what had me so out of sorts... hoping that if I could figure it out I would start to feel more secure. 

Only now am I beginning to recognize that being a mother and having a mother who was dying was overwhelming in a way that I was not equipped to handle... then.

I miss you so much mom. Death sucks for the people left behind. So many times I have wished that I could call you to talk... or that I didn't have to explain death to J... and myself. 

But then I remember that you were sick. Sick enough that you would have likely spent the rest of your life dying from the Leukemia had your heart not failed and that seems like the worst of all possibilities. You would have hated "living" in a hospital. I would have hated that too.

I miss you mom. I'm figuring things out without you and I wish I could thank you for everything that you ever did for me that made me capable.

Love,

Nicole

Dear Mom,

I do not like her. She seems so cowardly and fragile. Her desire to keep secrets makes me feel uncomfortable. And she is generally weird.

Of course, I feel terrible because she is "family." But what can I do. I just cannot tolerate her for any length of time.

What is most difficult is that he is very much like her. So sensitive and afraid. So unable to power through a problem and find a solution without resorting to some strange drama.

Oh mom, I know that much of my reaction to her is something within myself that I can put aside... but the similarities between them drive me wild. How can I love him when I dislike her so much?

Just being nice will probably do. Now, if only I could figure out a way to avoid long visits with her.

I miss you mom and being able to talk through things like this with you.

Love, 

Nicole

Dear Mom,

Ugh.

We are selling the house. 

I thought the other stuff was hard... 

This is not only a challenge to negotiate without any real guidance but it is emotionally overwhelming at times... Having grown up there, called it home, found comfort in just being there... I am supposed to be making these decisions in the best interest of B, B & myself... I am hoping to not let any one of us down. 

And the thought of all of the packing up and sorting through sounds dreadful. I cannot even bring myself to discard the clothes and other items that we kept here, in our home, for your visits. I suppose we can pack it all away in storage until any one of us can bear it... but I haven't any ability to imagine when that might be.

I am glad that you never had to go through this.

Love,

Nicole

Dear Mom,

Sunday was the first Open House. It went really well. Auntie said people were there all day and someone made an offer at the end of it all... above asking price... which was sort of a surprise.

Some difficult aspects of all of this are the obvious ones: packing up all of your little things to tidy up the house for a band strangers was strange, B taking zero initiative to clean or pack up until the last minute and even then doing as little as possible, not having anywhere to go while the house was filled with strangers.

Also, Bev drove by without stopping even though there were about ten people out front for the Open House. When I called her (twice) she didn't answer and when she finally called be back she lied about driving by and then after admitting that she, in fact, did drive by said she didn't see anyone out front so she didn't stop. I have always known that she has a tendency to avoid the truth but I was not ready to have her lie to me about something so ridiculously trivial. 

What a strange day. 

I ended up taking an earlier flight home (five hours earlier) because I had no where to go. 

It looks like the house will sell easily. I am so glad. I think it would make you happy but I still would rather you were here.

I miss you.

Love,

Nicole

Dear Mom,

I would love to call you and chat right now. However, even if you were still alive you'd probably be asleep still... and I'd wake you up... but you'd say it was okay and chat anyway... while you tried to wake up.

Why don't they have phones in Heaven... which I'm assuming looks a lot like Cambria for you... and is stocked with Stella Doro cookies and always has "good" romantic comedies and action movies on cable so you have something to watch at night... when you aren't socializing with your new neighbors.

I love you mom, that's the reason I wanted to call.

Love,

Nicole

Dear Mom,

It's a girl!

I cannot believe that I am so excited that the baby will be a girl. 

At the same time I am a little anxious about the idea of having no help right after the baby is born. I'm worried that J will feel out of place not being the only object of affection. However, I am confident that that situation will sort itself out just fine in the end.

I am hoping that K is not devastated that I do not want her here. Maybe my reaction to her will somehow change in the next few months and I will feel more optimistic about her company but right now... after the chaos of the holiday visit and the tension between her and J and her general passive/aggressive nature I am feeling more than unwilling to invite her to come and stay with us. I dislike the way she acts with J and the way T & I feel it necessary to reprimand him when he snubs her... which seems to be his natural reaction to her.

All of this upsets T, I know. That his mom can be so uncomfortable to be around. I know a great deal of it could be solved if I just said nothing to him about the way I feel about her... which isn't really as negative as it is confused and frustrated.

My best option is to say less. About everything. I didn't marry someone who listens well. I have got to get that through my thick skull... I just need to cut him some slack. It is not easy to hear someone complain about a loved one. I am going to be more compassionate and find an alternate outlet for my frustration with her.

Eh.

I miss you mom. Even though I know that you would likely have been too sick to come when the baby is born... I still wish that you had been able to survive until she is born. Because maybe you might have had the strength to stay with us and J would have loved that almost as much as I would.

Love,

Nicole

Dear Mom,

I feel a little lost without you.

I have so many doubts about my abilities; parenting, wife-ing, taking care of my self. Doubt has always made things difficult for me.

If you were here I know that you would listen and understand... and probably call Aunt Char after we talked and relay the entire conversation to her... but, well, that is just how it would go.

I miss you.

Love,

Nicole