Dear Mom,

I love the movie Pride & Prejudice... with Kiera Knightly (what a perfect last name if one chooses to star in a "Jane Austen" movie)

When I watch this movie I always think about how much I would love to watch it with you. Tonight the thought made me so sad that I cried... I have been missing you so much lately that I have been doing a lot of that. Crying. I want so badly to share my happiness with you... my new daughter... J's development... vacations... thoughts... hugs... time. 

I will always miss you. 

This is difficult to get used to. I will never completely be used to your absence. I am re-learning myself without you in the world to help define me. This is both difficult and confusing but not impossible. 

It feels like I am becoming myself all over again...

Love,

Nicole

Dear Mom,

I am missing what I cannot have. And that is time alone with J that is not punctuated by intermittent newborn crying... time to myself... outside... walking at my own pace... sleep & showers when I want them instead of on the fly.

I am also profoundly bored... and finding it difficult to type with one hand while M sleeps on my other arm.

Sigh.

I will give myself a year to feel bedraggled... I will even accept the following feelings during the next year because I want to give myself a lot of leeway to acclimate: depression, elation, frustration, anxiety, exhaustion, happiness, sorrow, ennui, satisfaction, peace, and anything else that this new dynamic presents.

And i miss you, Mom. I keep wishing you were here and thinking how nice it would be... how comforting. I think I need to move beyond wishing... and accept what is now instead of want what was. Because right now is also good.

Love,

Nic

Dear Mom,

Why do I fear the tragedies of others? 

Most people don't feel this way, do they?

I wonder why I keep myself so on edge sometimes...

Love,

Nicole

Dear Mom,

How does a mother have a second child and still have enough love?

I have been anxious about this birth... even though I am so excited for our second little kiddo to arrive... and I haven't really been able to figure out why?

Physically, I know I am built for this... I can do this... I have done it... I am willing.

Emotionally, I realize now that I am scared. What about how much I love my first born? How will I perpetuate such a special relationship... one that means so much to me and reinforces so much joy in my life? How can I be the same kind of mother to my second child when my attention will be split?

I suppose I don't really know. Sometimes a lack of knowledge scares me... Like when I used to consider your future and how that future intersected my own. Not knowing, when it comes to something so important to me, is daunting... because I want to do well. I want to succeed.

My fear is rooted in the idea of failure.

However, I didn't know how I would do as a mother at all when J was born... I just did it... and he is wonderful... and I love him.

I can do this.

I miss you mom. This would have made for a terrific conversation between us. 

Love,

nic

Dear Mom,

I miss you.

And I think a reason that I am so annoyed by T's parents these days is because I am jealous that he still has parents and I don't.

K, however, would probably get on my nerves no matter what but if you were still here at least I could talk to you about it and get it out of my system. Without you it is just me dealing with her and that is difficult for me because I want "my" mom to be able to be here for this new baby.

You were such a good listener and so willing to visit us all of the time and not afraid to play with J or just sit around. I miss your strength and confidence when it came to dealing with kids. Because I knew you enjoyed being with my kid.

I just miss you.

Love,

Nicole

Dear Mom,

I met with the doula today... the same girl who was with us in the delivery room when J was born.

We talked briefly (J was home and needing a nap and interrupting us every 5-10minutes) about the birth and I told her that my only apprehension was that J's birth was so "easy" that I was worried that this one might not be the same. I told her that I cannot really remember all of it and so I am preoccupied with the idea that it might be more difficult because it is different.

Really, I think I am so surprised at my good fortune in life that I figure, "It cannot be this good can it?"

And this I think is my fatal flaw; feeling like I do not deserve all of the "good" that does come my way. Feeling guilty about it when things work out for the best. Making myself worry just because I cannot quite fathom that it is okay if good things happen.

The doula also mentioned that she wanted to discuss your death because some intense feelings might surface during the birth. Hmmm, this struck me as odd. I do not really connect this baby's debut with your death. I do not link them like some people have in the past. My pregnancy and your death, although overlapping in time, have become so separate to me that I had never even thought to consider that the birth might be affected by the death.

And here is where I will finally allow myself to let go of the worry. When she mentioned this it occurred to me that I "should" be concerned about this. Shouldn't I? Maybe I don't really know myself that well after all. Maybe I'm going to break down during the birth and loose my shit. Well... maybe. Except after thinking it over I have come to realize that this is my default defense mechanism... worry just to hedge my bets... and it has not worked well for me in the past and it won't do me any good now so... forget it.

I am going to prepare myself for the birth of this kiddo by being open minded and aware that everything will most likely be fine. And that that is perfectly acceptable. Because I can handle the difficulties that life presents as well as the pleasantries. Both are necessary and both can throw a person for a loop and I, in particular, am built to handle this. My challenge in the past has been to believe in my ability but now, I am ready and willing to accept my strengths as well as my weaknesses.

I can do this. And I can weather it no matter what the outcome. Even if it is great.

I get this from you, mom.

Love,

Nicole

Dear Mom,

Looking at photos of you makes me sad. 

Especially if you are smiling your great smile... or the image is one of you with J.

It makes me sad but I don't mind. Because I still love you even though you are gone. And I never want to forget you.

I only hope that, with time, being sad fades away and fond memory retrieval takes it's place.

Love,

Nicole

Dear Mom,

I have been worrying about money all day ever since this 7:30 this morning. It's now 4:47pm.

Taxes, tuition, rent, your taxes, hospital bills, the cost of childbirth, the cost of another child, the economy... I am spent. 

I am concerned about the trust and distributing the money. The entire process has been terribly stressful and overwhelming. But I am glad it is almost over.

Love,

Nic

Dear Mom,

The house is sold.

The baby is due in May... We have chosen a name that I love.

Not having much freedom is still difficult for me.

Not talking to B is a relief. But I am still coming to terms with who he really is instead of who I expect him to be. Which doesn't really matter.

I am worried about a few things but mostly I am happy.

We are planning on renting a house on the East Coast in July. I am hoping that I can find a way to like K again.

That's it, mom.

I love you and miss you,

Nicole

Pre

Tim's advice to me today:

"You shouldn't paint. It takes to much prep time. You should draw instead. You know..." (gestures like he's drawing)

I have recently moved two of my "in progress" paintings into the kitchen from the garage. 

This is the kind of support that Tim is capable of. Which is depressing. But probably essential for me to accept... and ignore.

Middle Ground

When all is said and done... or even before anything is actually ever completed... I know that things will be fine. 

I am certain of this.

Where does this optimism come from?

Down

My mind is completely preoccupied with the sale of the house... and the length of time that it's taking. And this leads me to worry about money to the point of blindness to everything else.

While my wonderful son does yet another headstand to left of me I realize that my worry is doing me no good. 

I am so overwhelmed with something that has not even happened yet that I am forgetting to be grateful for what is unfolding in front of me: my kiddo is a monkey who loves to stand on his head while watching Treasure Quest. 

I am fortunate. And ready to let the other stuff go.

Up

How can a person be anxious and calm at the same time?

Again, I am up before dawn. Not really worrying but definitely thinking with purpose... sort of, because I am actually also tired as well.

There is so much to contemplate; baby, mom, death, onesies, J, career, painting (how I actually love painting), time alone... time... the "right thing to do." Since I do not have much time to myself during the day I guess my body and mind have conspired to make some time for active consideration.

It's not so bad, really. But I'd like to be less tired while I'm thinking and more productive... probably the root of all my anxiety when it comes down to it.

Sigh... and yawn.

Dear Mom,

I feel caught up in this bullshit with Heather.

Why in the world did she have to send that email to me?

And what the fuck is she thinking now?

I know what I'm about to write is childish but, fuck it, I wish things would go back to normal.

Also, I am not really looking forward to cleaning out the house. And this low grade fear of flying has sucked the fun out of travelling for me almost entirely. I cannot wait until it passes... which I know it will. 

Today is a day that I wish you were here visiting us. I could really use some of your company on this rainy day.

Love,

Nicole

Dear Mom,

Do you remember how hard the beginning of last year was for me? I was so unsettled and unsure.

It was confusing for me to be so unmoored. I spent so much time trying to figure out what had me so out of sorts... hoping that if I could figure it out I would start to feel more secure. 

Only now am I beginning to recognize that being a mother and having a mother who was dying was overwhelming in a way that I was not equipped to handle... then.

I miss you so much mom. Death sucks for the people left behind. So many times I have wished that I could call you to talk... or that I didn't have to explain death to J... and myself. 

But then I remember that you were sick. Sick enough that you would have likely spent the rest of your life dying from the Leukemia had your heart not failed and that seems like the worst of all possibilities. You would have hated "living" in a hospital. I would have hated that too.

I miss you mom. I'm figuring things out without you and I wish I could thank you for everything that you ever did for me that made me capable.

Love,

Nicole

Dear Mom,

I do not like her. She seems so cowardly and fragile. Her desire to keep secrets makes me feel uncomfortable. And she is generally weird.

Of course, I feel terrible because she is "family." But what can I do. I just cannot tolerate her for any length of time.

What is most difficult is that he is very much like her. So sensitive and afraid. So unable to power through a problem and find a solution without resorting to some strange drama.

Oh mom, I know that much of my reaction to her is something within myself that I can put aside... but the similarities between them drive me wild. How can I love him when I dislike her so much?

Just being nice will probably do. Now, if only I could figure out a way to avoid long visits with her.

I miss you mom and being able to talk through things like this with you.

Love, 

Nicole

Dear Mom,

Ugh.

We are selling the house. 

I thought the other stuff was hard... 

This is not only a challenge to negotiate without any real guidance but it is emotionally overwhelming at times... Having grown up there, called it home, found comfort in just being there... I am supposed to be making these decisions in the best interest of B, B & myself... I am hoping to not let any one of us down. 

And the thought of all of the packing up and sorting through sounds dreadful. I cannot even bring myself to discard the clothes and other items that we kept here, in our home, for your visits. I suppose we can pack it all away in storage until any one of us can bear it... but I haven't any ability to imagine when that might be.

I am glad that you never had to go through this.

Love,

Nicole

Dear Mom,

Sunday was the first Open House. It went really well. Auntie said people were there all day and someone made an offer at the end of it all... above asking price... which was sort of a surprise.

Some difficult aspects of all of this are the obvious ones: packing up all of your little things to tidy up the house for a band strangers was strange, B taking zero initiative to clean or pack up until the last minute and even then doing as little as possible, not having anywhere to go while the house was filled with strangers.

Also, Bev drove by without stopping even though there were about ten people out front for the Open House. When I called her (twice) she didn't answer and when she finally called be back she lied about driving by and then after admitting that she, in fact, did drive by said she didn't see anyone out front so she didn't stop. I have always known that she has a tendency to avoid the truth but I was not ready to have her lie to me about something so ridiculously trivial. 

What a strange day. 

I ended up taking an earlier flight home (five hours earlier) because I had no where to go. 

It looks like the house will sell easily. I am so glad. I think it would make you happy but I still would rather you were here.

I miss you.

Love,

Nicole

Dear Mom,

I would love to call you and chat right now. However, even if you were still alive you'd probably be asleep still... and I'd wake you up... but you'd say it was okay and chat anyway... while you tried to wake up.

Why don't they have phones in Heaven... which I'm assuming looks a lot like Cambria for you... and is stocked with Stella Doro cookies and always has "good" romantic comedies and action movies on cable so you have something to watch at night... when you aren't socializing with your new neighbors.

I love you mom, that's the reason I wanted to call.

Love,

Nicole

Dear Mom,

It's a girl!

I cannot believe that I am so excited that the baby will be a girl. 

At the same time I am a little anxious about the idea of having no help right after the baby is born. I'm worried that J will feel out of place not being the only object of affection. However, I am confident that that situation will sort itself out just fine in the end.

I am hoping that K is not devastated that I do not want her here. Maybe my reaction to her will somehow change in the next few months and I will feel more optimistic about her company but right now... after the chaos of the holiday visit and the tension between her and J and her general passive/aggressive nature I am feeling more than unwilling to invite her to come and stay with us. I dislike the way she acts with J and the way T & I feel it necessary to reprimand him when he snubs her... which seems to be his natural reaction to her.

All of this upsets T, I know. That his mom can be so uncomfortable to be around. I know a great deal of it could be solved if I just said nothing to him about the way I feel about her... which isn't really as negative as it is confused and frustrated.

My best option is to say less. About everything. I didn't marry someone who listens well. I have got to get that through my thick skull... I just need to cut him some slack. It is not easy to hear someone complain about a loved one. I am going to be more compassionate and find an alternate outlet for my frustration with her.

Eh.

I miss you mom. Even though I know that you would likely have been too sick to come when the baby is born... I still wish that you had been able to survive until she is born. Because maybe you might have had the strength to stay with us and J would have loved that almost as much as I would.

Love,

Nicole

Dear Mom,

I feel a little lost without you.

I have so many doubts about my abilities; parenting, wife-ing, taking care of my self. Doubt has always made things difficult for me.

If you were here I know that you would listen and understand... and probably call Aunt Char after we talked and relay the entire conversation to her... but, well, that is just how it would go.

I miss you.

Love,

Nicole